Lately, I have been struggling with a lot of anxiety and panic attacks. Things are changing in my life much swifter than I ever anticipated.
6 weeks ago, my day to day life had been content and happy and so many times I would be sitting or driving or working and think “I love my life.” I was so content and at peace with my choices and the direction my life was going.
Unfortunately, one conversation, 15 short minutes, shook me to my absolute core. From that moment on, nothing has been the same. 6 weeks in, I am down 20 pounds, I can barely eat. I have thoughts of self harm (which I would never act on), but just having the thoughts are so painful and frightening. I wake up during the night shaking and crying, in uncontrollable panic attacks. Even with medication from my doctor, they still over take me and rush me out into a frenzied swirl of overwhelm and terror. Mt mind says mean things to me and it is hard to get past those voices to the ones that are true and loving. Some nights, I can’t get there and I have to rely on sheer will power and faith to make it through.
I know I am doing all the right things, seeing my therapist twice a week, going to my doctor regularly. I am working on reaching out for support. Even more recently, branching out to more people because I know it is overwhelming, If I am feeling so lost and unsure, I know that for people who know me it can be a shock and difficult to reconcile who I am in this moment (raw and hurting) with my authentic self.
Struggling to accept that even this person who is hurting so deeply, is still my authentic self, just another aspect….is painful.
It feels like a betrayal to wake up gasping for air, body on fire, chest burning, body shaking. When did I become the woman who is unable to cope, unable to manage all things and do it happily? I am angry, I feel robbed of that person and I have no idea how to get back to her.
My friends tell me that I am doing it. That I am walking through a “dark night of the soul”. I wish I could see it as this growth journey. But I feel like I am shrinking, literally and figuratively. My personality feels so dulled that I don’t recognize myself. I hear people telling me all the comforting things I say to others, that I believe wholeheartedly. But right now, I feel undeserving, un-loveable and all around un-tolerable to be around.
I am aware this will pass, and that I am safe even with destructive thoughts, I am self-aware enough to NEVER act on them. But I feel like this is an important conversation to have. to share our pain and struggle is to maybe comfort another who is going through the same, or went through the same.
You are not alone. All the strong ones go through a Dark Night of the Soul. For some of us, it is a night, for others months. But either way, we absolutely MUST be exactly where we are supposed to me. I am clinging to that truth. This is exactly the right thing in this moment even though it hurts so much.
In Just the Right Moment,